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Explaining My Depression To My Mother

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Blog Updates And Special

I have made a few changes to this blog lately so I wanted to let those who haven’t checked it out yet what has changed.

  • First of all, we now have a subscriber popup where you can sign up for upcoming weekly newsletters, posts, and thoughts. I will keep tweaking the site and newsletters to make it easier for those of you who subscribe.
  • Secondly, I am very excited to share this with all of you. The first post for Thoughts Of A Spoonie, has now been posted!


  • Thirdly, I plan to add an extension to the popup that will allow subscribers to submit blog posts/stories/thoughts and questions that I will share on my blog over time.

And here we go….

Awareness · Chronic Illness · Chronic Pain · Depression · Endometriosis · Expression · Health · Inspiration · Interstitial Cystitis · Invisible Illness · Links · Mental Illness · Random · Social Media Sites · Writing

Beautifully Tarnished Spoonies

I know I posted about this before, but I am updating it to be more current. Most of you know that I have started a support group for Spoonies on Facebook. When I started it, it was called One Spoon At A Time. After finding out there is a group with the same name on Facebook, me and my amazing group have decided to change the name to Beautifully Tarnished Spoonies, thanks to my friend Liz. Maybe Facebook used to have a feature where if you tried naming your group or page something that was already on Facebook, you had to name it something different, but it doesn’t seem to be the case anymore.

Feel free to check it out, join, share, and of course add friends!!!

I will be editing and adding to this post for a while as my support group slowly gets bigger.

If you have any questions or just want to talk to someone,  you can contact me at any of my Social Media Sites or on my Contact Me page.

30 Day Challenge · Chronic Fatigue Syndrome · Chronic Illness · Chronic Pain · Depression · Endometriosis · Expression · Health · Inspiration · Interstitial Cystitis · Invisible Illness · Random · Writing

30 Day Challenge: Day 30

Day 30- Your plans for the next 30 days

Most people when they try and plan their next 30 days make plans that can easily be changed or added in. They are confident in their decisions and if they don’t get everything done, they can still smile and say they tried.

Me? I can plan my whole life out, step by step and promise myself that this time I will do all of the goals on my list, that I will finally get something meaningful done in my life, something I can be proud to say I did. As great as that sounds, it is so far from realistic, it doesn’t even seem like I would have the energy to write down the ideas, much less actually do them.

But each year, there I am again, convinced that this year will be the year everything will change for me. And I have made a little progress in the last four years. Not enough that an outsider would see that there was anything different in my life. But those close to me notice, and it is so nice to see them smile and cheer me on, telling me to not give up and even if I make 1% more improvements in my life, that I am making a difference, I am trying. That moving forward even one step at a time is progress.

Every day when a thought comes to mind of something I need to do or people I need to call, I write it down and every morning when I wake up, there is the list sitting on my closed computer of the things I need to do. I started doing that because in order to open my computer and use it, I would need to look at the paper and put it somewhere else before I could use my computer. And it has helped a lot more than I thought it would. I never get everything on the list done in one day, but each day I try and do at least one thing on the list. Just one thing. I love the feeling of knowing I am making progress and doing the best I can with all the problems in my life.

I also leave my medications on my computer every night so that I remember to take them. I used to be horrible when it came to taking my meds every day. Now seeing it first thing in the morning, I remember to take it. It’s habit now and I never miss a day of medications because of my awesomeness in making sure the list and meds are on my computer so they are the first things I do when I get up. Take my pill, read over my list for the day, and slowly start working my way through the list.

So what are my plans for the next 30 days? To survive. To push myself just a little bit farther. To do just a little bit more. To believe in myself again.

30 Day Challenge · A Day In The Life With Chronic Pain · Awareness · Chronic Fatigue Syndrome · Chronic Illness · Chronic Pain · Depression · Endometriosis · Expression · Health · Interstitial Cystitis · Invisible Illness · Personal · Random · Writing

30 Day Challenge: Day 29

Day 29L Bullet your whole day

Uhhhh, just so you all know, this is an embarrassing post to write because when most people describe their days, they did something cool, or at least got lots of things done. My day however, is always different depending on my pain levels and even then I rarely have even a slightly productive day.

Bedtime-10pm-I usually go to bed before 10 every night, even with at least one long nap during the day. I rarely wake up feeling rested or relaxed. Usually I wake up every morning feeling like I got hit by a truck, despite sleeping in until noon. My grandma used to always tell me that if I sleep too much, I am more tired than if I had gotten less sleep. As true as that may or may not be, it doesn’t make me feel any better. There have been many times where I make myself stay awake all day, so that I can sleep at night. Even those times, I rarely get a good nights sleep because I toss and turn a lot and usually either have bad dreams or strange ones. There have been many times that I wish I could just fall asleep without having any dreams at all.

Noon- Slowly start waking up, usually it takes me a while to go from laying down, then from sitting up, then even longer to get from the bed to the couch and by that point I have already lost what seems like 3 spoons already and my day hasn’t even started yet!

For those who are just starting to read my blog or don’t know what a “Spoonie” is, here is a post written by Christine Miserandino called The Spoon Theory.In the post, she describes to a friend of hers what it’s like for her to deal with Lupus. She gives her friend 12 spoons and asked her to tell her everything she does on a normal day and each task will take a spoon, sometimes more, before she even gets out of bed. She does not have the option to get more ‘spoons’ to help her get through the day.

2pm- At this point in my day, I have successfully made it from the bed, to the bathroom and then the couch, feeling exhausted. I hadn’t even tried to change my clothes or shower because already I was running low on spoons.

2pm-7pm- I always feel embarrassed when admitting that usually by the time I get to the couch, I rarely move from my spot. I watch Netflix, rest, and try to save my energy for the shower I desperately need later today. And since it is Monday, I have plans with a friend of mine to go to the dollar store and try and work out my stiff muscles and get as much exercise in before I hit my exhaustion point. We do this each week. Some days we just watch a movie, but most weeks I try and force myself to go out somewhere, anywhere to get the little exercise I know I need and try and relearn how to be human around ‘normal’ people.

7pm- At this point in my day, I usually require the help of my husband to help hold me up in the shower, or help me out when I sit in the tub letting the warm water relax my muscles and, I swear, Every time I take a bath and let the water cover me and I feel myself relax, I wish I could meet the person who invented the tub and tell them I love them because I feel so much better after the bath with Epsom salts. It never lasts very long, the relaxed and pain free moments after my bath, so I usually head right to lay down on the bed while I try and get ready for bed.

8-10pm After my shower and getting dressed if I have even a fraction of energy, I wash my face, put moisturizer on my face and then put my lotion all over my body to try and give my body the moisturizer it desperately needs before it ends up cracking and bleeding from the dryness.

10pm- Finally, I stop fighting my body to stay awake and slip into an unrestful, but needed sleep.

My day makes me so embarrassed when anyone asks me what I do since I can’t work and so I sit at home all day. Some days I push myself to do something easy but productive, just so I can feel even a fraction less embarrassed when people ask me about my day.

Since my doctor appointments, (Pain Management, Physical Therapy for my bladder, Endometriosis and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, surgeries, tests, and new treatments that I really hope will mean the end of my pain, of my body trying to destroy itself from the inside out) and other appointments are not set at the same time each week, there are a few days during the week that I do get out of the house. I do go places. Yes, my life is super boring and it seems like I want to be lazy, but the truth is, I would trade anything in the world in order to have even just one good day a week.

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30 Day Challenge · Expression · Health · Random · Writing

30 Day Challenge: Day 28

Day 28: Where you would like to be in 10 years

I have spent so many years thinking of the amazing future ahead of me when I finally graduated high school and was able to go onto college. But here I am at 22, happily married, only have a high school degree, and currently on disability and SSI. There was so many things I wanted to do with my life at 18, then it all seemed to hit me all at once.

When most people say what they want to do or be in 10 years, most of them have goals that are amazing and hard to reach, but they refuse to give up on their dreams.

For this moment in time, in ten years I want to get my comfort animal, move into a house like we planned, and maybe find ways to make my health better so we can start thinking of having kids a few years down the line. Believe me, I would love to reach for the sky and plan amazing things for my future, but I also have to be realistic. Me wanting to go to college, become an author and go on book tours and have a happy family isn’t realistic. It would be great, but at this point in time, none of that is possible. It may never be possible with the way my life is now.

So for this moment in time, in ten years I want to finally get my comfort animal, maybe get a slightly bigger apartment/house and try and make more strides in dealing with my illness.

30 Day Challenge · Expression · Inspiration · My Feelings · Personal · Random · Truth · Writing

30 Day Challenge: Day 27

Day 27: A letter to someone, anyone

Dear Society (It said anyone and lately I have started to think of Society as a person, don’t laugh, I know how weird that sounds!)

I can’t hold it anymore, I just have to tell you something. You suck. The labels, rules, black and white thinking. I could go on forever listing things that I hate about you. You are a very irritating person who endlessly judges every single person you see. They don’t wear the best clothes, some have glasses, others are childish. Some love religion, others have no religion. Some people struggle with Depression and take pills. I can hear your voice now ‘Pills mean there is something seriously wrong with you’. Some love wearing bright, neon colors just for fun! In your eyes, no one will ever measure up to what you think they should be. Your rules, the ‘right fashion’, ‘the perfect person’ will forever change and those who do not measure up will always be ‘different and weird’

There will always be someone to judge, to laugh at. But you know nothing about their lives, why they do the things they do, what they have gone through to end up the way they are. You don’t care about any of that. All that matters is that there will always be someone who will not be the way you think they should be.

So, Society, I hate you. I am one of those people who LOVES bright neon colors, wears glasses, acts childish, loves Minions, and could care less about ‘the perfect fashion/person’. I will forever be the ‘weird and different’ person you laugh at each opportunity you get.

Through all the changes, I will be the one who is happy just the way she is. Go ahead and judge me. I am stronger than you. I know that I can be happy being myself. I refuse to be someone that ‘fits in’ it’s a part of my charm. I refuse to do things just because it could make me look or act better. I won’t change who I am just to avoid the judgements.